finally remembered where I met them. I was folding clothes in the back room in the offices of the trans organization I volunteer for when they approached me and we talked for a bit before they returned to the concert going on in the main room. didn't even give that interaction that much thought, but they recognized me in the crowd at a completely different setting and gave me a tangerine.
started looking for an apartment. everything's so expensive. I want to move out before my mom dies. I need to settle down somewhere and have my own place. somewhere I could feel safe.
participated quite a bit in my vertebrates anatomy lecture. some of the things I said were stupid looking back, but I enjoyed listening to the tutor expand on gene expression during the lancelet's nerve cord development and in embryonic development of vertebrates.
I used to be so afraid to make mistakes, but now I just ask things, speak up. it's so much more enjoyable that way.
spent the whole day in bed, working on my microbiology assignment. mom was in the hospital, getting an x-ray and an ultrasound. she might need more tests done with her GP.
after finishing the assignment went on to listen to a few lectures on chondrichthyans, specifically on elasmobranchii. I kinda enjoy all the small details. taking screenshots of relevant drawings and writing down the main points. the multiple choice questions after each lecture are amusing. learning feels intuitive and calming.
fell asleep the moment I got back home.
mom's getting weaker. we helped my sister pack up her things. I built a lamp for my nephew in their new home. got to sit on the porch for a few minutes. haven't been back there for about a decade. everything looks so old now.
they don't know me by my name. it occured to me as I passed by an old classmates house. they never got to know who I am.
tried to translate the thing I wrote about him. about his wife. about me. it's not really about any of us, but on some level it is. I feel bad for being the catalyst. but he had so many before me. he'll have so many after me. maybe he already has. I'm not really that important.
really procrastinating on my microbiology assignment. I highlighted everything in my textbook. all of the answers sit right there. I just can't bring myself to tie everything together. words don't come out.
updates things, then threw it all out the window. swamped with microbiology and vertebrate anatomy and evolution but in a good way. I like drowning in the small details, then taking a step back to look at the bigger picture, placing everything together.
I asked a stupid question in my microbiology lecture. are gram positive/negative bacteria a monophyletic group. my mindest is very vertebrate oriented. the answer is no (1 2). the first link is more rigorous.
I can hear my mom waking up every night to take pain meds. she never did that before. it drains me. I feel so fucking useless.
things are a mess globally and I'm tired and angry and scared.
I feel detached from everything. instead of translating my mom's CV for Dignitas I'm making more and more html pages, updating my website. I don't want her to die. but she's dying. she's in constant pain and I'm helpless. I don't want to think about life without her.
I called her this week. excitedly explaining how little I have left until I graduate. but now I can't see myself getting there. she'll die way before that and I don't know how I'll function without her. fuck. I'm scared.
all of my genetics and cell biology won't stop her cancer. all the taxol in the world. I want my mom back.
had another SVT episode. my first major one happened in january this year. my heart got stuck on around 200bpm.
I'm used to feeling my heart skip a beat every once in a while, but this week it got stuck again, twice. the first time I called our emergency services and while on call with them my heart just, fixed itself. the second time it didn't happen on its own, and I found myself connected to an ECG in the back of an ambulance. they helped me do a vagal maneuver.
I kinda wanted them to give me adenosine again. there's a weird rush when they inject you with it and flush it with saline. your muscles contract and relax. your heart stops. then resets.
I want to be able to do that for others. fix their hearts.
volunteered at a small 3-day scifi & fantasy convention as a gofer. got a badge and a wristband to show the secutiry guards.
on the last day we started to quietly dismantle things before everything ended officially, and I got to spend the shift with an english lecturer who's doing his doctorate on scifi literature. at some point in the staff corridor I talked with someone about the discworld series. one of the lecturers spun around and started yelling at me for not going to his lecture and gave me his number. an ex-coworker I haven't seen in years recognized me on shift and we exchanged a short excited greeting before running in different directions.
the constant social interaction drained me though.
took a bus to my sister's house today. it was an intercity route, but the bus was a small intracity one with limited seating. I leaned against the window and read throughout the drive while the sun set and mythological beauty by big thief played in my headphones.
found an old and crusty minit system I forgot to return to my university and started playing with it. didn't really need it when studying organic chemistry so all the pieces are stuck together and tough from disuse, but it's kinda fun! (ignore the fact I mixed up hydrogen and oxygen. oops)
been to an interesting lecture on philip k. dick's writing. the lecturer brought up ubik, foster, you're dead! and martian time-slip as a few examples. he talked about humanity, empathy and reality in his works and about the innate and competing fears of being controlled by corporations and governments and of understading we humans have no control over anything at all.
currently reading up on the role of GM130 in nervous system diseases. it was one of the proteins we immunolabeled in the lab and editing the photos for the gallery made me research it again.
had a really nice evening with my family. my nephew and I made a pillow fort in the living room. he read and I worked on this website a bit. I showed him the different slides in the gallery and the descriptions I already wrote. he got really excited about lambrusco because he remembered seeing him in my room.
him, my sister, our mom and I are all going to a contemporary art museum tomorrow. might add a corner for awesome websites on neocities at some point.
in the background during the evening: trouble by cage the elephant.
got my cell biology lab report back. the instructor attached a note to the grade. she wrote about the presentation I gave in class on treatment advancements in progeria & said it's hard to believe I'm only an undergrad student, that my love for science is noticeable. she also said to come see her when looking for a lab later on!
gel image of an RT-PCR result of 6 genes - GAPDH, HPRT1, UBC, RPII, SDHA & ALAS1 in SH-SY5Y cells.
just listened to what's up? by 4 non blondes on a random site I found here. it's still dark outside. everything is quiet and as the song played I felt alone in a good way.
I'm kinda jealous of the cool sites people have here. I'm not that creative. but maybe I just need time to curate things and find what works for me.